Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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