How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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