I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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