I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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