My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
only you would photoshop your dick
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
