Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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