Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
