Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my being single is dangerous.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
