bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
