I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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