Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
