Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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