some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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