how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.