So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
