She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
