I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
