we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
