They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Randomize
