The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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