Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
