hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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