I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
