in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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