Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
