He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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