I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
