i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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