I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
