If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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