Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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