i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
