I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
