I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
