i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
