I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
