I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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