We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
