Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
