dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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