Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
