I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
