If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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