They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
