the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I need moral support for this bender
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
pray to the hookup gods
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
