Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
