she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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