Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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