Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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