How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
