I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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