Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Houston, we have a squirter
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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