The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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