Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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