dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
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You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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